Following my ‘Most Wonderful Time Of The Year ?’ post, as well as that Christmas buzz in the air, lots of behind the scenes blog work, my retail job, seeing family and friends, without a second to actually breathe, I’m just now- nearly a week after Christmas -remembering that I haven’t even opened the Christmas puzzle that I bought in November which I was so looking forward to making. I haven’t actually touched a puzzle since I was about 5 but this year I really wanted to re-capture some of the magic that has been lost in recent years- apparently a log cabin themed puzzle and an over-priced scented candle was the way to do this? It’s suddenly the 30th of December, it’ll be New Year in a minute and the whole entire thing has just seemed so impossibly hectic. I’m actually a little sad and annoyed that I didn’t actually have the time or perhaps I wasn’t actually in the perfect mental space- to savour more of December, but then again, what even is perfect? Nothing- I’m learning.
I’d definitely say that part of the issue lies within this huge build-up before the day itself where often we become so consumed with trying to get things done that we forget to actually stop. For a few seconds. To. B-r-e-a-t-h-e. In through the nose and out through the mouth- they say… and that has been the first deep breath I’ve taken in about 6 weeks. I need to re-centre myself because for me, one of the worst sensations in life is when you feel as though it is uncontrollably going on around you at the speed of sound, with you as an extra- going through the motions and observing this frantic spectacle, rather than you as the central point- the main character, from which all else stems; the puppet master rather than the sad looking puppet slumped in the corner of the stage.
Let’s not get it twisted though, I think this Christmas has actually been one of the better ones in my adult life where I’ve been able to enjoy the day itself without finding it overwhelming to the point of needing to run to a quiet, dark room (last year- thank u, next,) it’s just that it has passed fleetingly- kind of like when you accidentally let a balloon go and you try to grasp the string as it floats up towards infinite space…well, yeah- it feels a bit like that at the moment. Despite all the messy feelings though, this year I’ve felt so unbelievably grateful for all the good things surrounding me; food on our table, a roof over our heads, family, friends, better mental health, a job, my gorgeous puppy and gifts in abundance, plus I always love that smell of pine (yes, I’m easily pleased.) I am aware that I, along with all people in this world have complexities but one thing I’ve realised in my time of recovery is, even though at times it can feel that things are not going my way- in other ways I am incredibly blessed. Perfect doesn’t exist – especially when it comes to mental health and I’m going to have to learn to accept tings as they come. Now that I am more ‘awake’ (spiritually, mentally, emotionally…) I feel lucky for the sunsets that I get to witness or the sight of a full-moon, and my gorgeous puppy –it’s basically just all about my puppy. It’s also about connection however, and mugging off that perfect ideal of a perfect log cabin Christmas scene as you look down at that picture on your Instagram feed or puzzle (or in my case, the cover of the puzzle box.)
I decided to sit down and write this at 1 AM because apart from the fact that I’ve had a shit day, I’ve honestly not even had the emotional energy to write in my One Line A Day notebook- for like, the past 6 days. I’m not even sure why- I just feel like I can’t catch up with things at the moment. I think it’s important to document my days, weeks and months because I was overwhelmed at the number of people who told me they could relate so much to my previous Christmas post with all the feelings- it’s nice for people to read the writing of a stranger with insomnia at 1 AM on the internet and feel less alone and perhaps more at peace with their own storm in this world, I also think it’s important to do it for myself- for acceptance and growth. Yes it’s been difficult this December but looking back I think I’ve coped rather well- I never praise myself and I’m sure this is part of the problem. This time last year I was in the midst of a long absence from work because I didn’t know what I wanted or how to cope. This year has been different. Not only have I coped, but I’d almost say I’ve thrived. No, I’m not perfect but I’m doing my best.
I am looking forward to more mental health related posts in the New Year- always constructive and hopefully never triggering because I stand true to the belief that STILL after all this time and years of sufferance by many- it is not talked about enough and therefore poorly understood. We can make it better- I hope.